You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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