my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
try to milk me bitch
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
