how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
