If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Enjoy the penises
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
