You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
