im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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