I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
