so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Randomize
