i just had sex bonerless
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
