We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
