My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
