i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize