I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'm jealous of your bromance
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
