Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
