Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
