the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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