Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize