I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
