Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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