Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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