I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
