Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize