I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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