I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
