Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
