Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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