I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
