I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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