mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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