Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
