Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
