i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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