I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
