He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
BRING THE BAGELS
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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