Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
