did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
