I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
