found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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