I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
