Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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