just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
she woke up with a sticky ear
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
