What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
