I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
