I think I died a long time ago.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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