Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
