I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Randomize
