there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
