Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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