She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
