This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
