He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize