Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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