I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
