I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize