Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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