ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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