i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
