Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
