Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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