Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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