everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
