And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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