i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
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