If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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