no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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