from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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