Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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