He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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