Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
